A Mini Weapon of Mass Destruction

Even though I was brought up as a Catholic, I have never followed a spiritual path. I blame an over-zealous Priest for my descent into heresy; he was constantly on my back when I was young.

If my memory serves me correctly, Easter is a time to reflect upon the resurrection of Christ. It’s believed that after three days, He rose again. I don’t want to diminish the significance, but I’d fancy Pele to beat that. The Geordies believe that King Keegan is the one true Messiah; it would be sacrilegious not to back Newcastle at 10/11 against Fulham.

Jesus may have forgiven Robbie Keane for his petulant reaction to being substituted last weekend, but Juande Ramos was apoplectic. I have a lot of sympathy for Keane in this case; it’s an emotional time when you’re being pulled off. I’ll happily play with the even money for a Tottenham win over Portsmouth.

John Carew may not be scoring regularly on the pitch, but if press reports are to be believed, he’s managed to bag ‘Strictly Come Dancing’ star Alesha Dixon. I’ve seen pictures of Alesha, and one bag may not be enough. I’ll need a large container to carry home my winnings after Aston Villa see off Sunderland at 3/5.

It’s rare that I shower praise upon Steve Bruce, but his decision to drop Titus Bramble was outstanding. Bruce knows what it takes to become a top class defender; he played alongside Gary Pallister. 4/5 had been placed alongside a Blackburn win over Wigan. I’m on.

Thaksin Shinawatra is not a happy man. The Thai ‘businessman’ has reportedly claimed that City are losing too many games in his absence, and he may have to tighten the bolt on his return. If I was Sven, I’d be worried. I’d be ringing up Ulrika, but I’d certainly be worried. Bolton can ensure the bolt is tightened with a win at 6/4.

Middlesbrough will be without Mido after he saw red for kicking Gael Clichy in the head. The Egyptian should be ashamed of his actions, as should the players who gave him the lift up. Let’s all rise to celebrate the 1/2 for a Middlesbrough win over Derby.

I’m quite ashamed to admit that I have something in common with the impious Martin Taylor. We’re both often referred to as ‘tiny’, although for Martin, it’s an ironic reference. The 23/20 for a Reading win over Birmingham is healthily proportioned.

It’s great to see the West Ham production line coming up trumps once again. Freddie Sears looks a great prospect, but I’m not overly impressed with the ‘Alan Shearer’ goal celebration; it takes too long to kick Neil Lennon, creosote a fence and unsettle the Newcastle management. Everton are going for a treble over the Hammers this season, I have to play at 3/4.

Steven Gerrard was upset when Rio Ferdinand claimed that Liverpool were not among the best teams in Europe. To be fair to Rio, he was misquoted - he meant to say that Liverpool were not among the best teams in England. Liverpool have lost their last four league meetings with their bitter rivals, and have failed to score in their last six. United can extend that run at 11/10.

Chelsea meet Arsenal in the 2nd part of Grand Slam Super Mega Awesome Sunday, in a dress rehearsal for the Champions League semi-final. I’ve studied Chelsea’s win ratio in the big games under Avram Grant, it didn’t take long. Arsenal are turning into draw specialists, I’ll happily take the 9/4 for a tie.

Jesus would not be happy with the vitriolic abuse aimed at Heather Mills after her divorce from Paul McCartney. I look at is as a value gamble on Heather’s part, she risked negative press and the occasional slap for a healthy financial settlement.

I was quite surprised that she received as much as £24m; I think she must have shown the judge a little leg. Blackburn, Middlesbrough, Everton and a Chelsea draw form a 13/1 accer that will hopefully lead to an equally impressive return.


Weekend Betting:


Tottenham v Portsmouth Saturday 22nd March 12:45 Live on Sky

Tottenham Evs
Draw 5/2
Portsmouth 16/5

Get on: Tottenham


Aston Villa v Sunderland Saturday 22nd March 15:00

Aston Villa 3/5
Draw 14/5
Sunderland 11/2

Get on: Aston Villa


Blackburn v Wigan Saturday 22nd March 15:00

Blackburn 4/5
Draw 13/5
Wigan 4/1

Get on: Blackburn


Bolton v Man City Saturday 22nd March 15:00

Bolton 6/4
Draw 23/10
Man City 2/1

Get on: Bolton


Middlesbrough v Derby Saturday 22nd March 15:00

Middlesbrough 1/2
Draw 10/3
Derby 8/1

Get on: Middlesbrough


Newcastle v Fulham Saturday 22nd March 15:00

Newcastle 10/11
Draw 12/5
Fulham 10/3

Get on: Newcastle


Reading v Birmingham Saturday 22nd March 15:00

Reading 23/20
Draw 5/2
Birmingham 11/4

Get on: Reading


Everton v West Ham Saturday 22nd March 17:15 Live on Setanta

Everton 3/4
Draw 13/5
West Ham 4/1

Get on: Everton


Man Utd v Liverpool Sunday 23rd March 13:30 Live on Sky

Man Utd 11/10
Draw 23/10
Liverpool 10/3

Get on: Man Utd


Chelsea v Arsenal Sunday 23rd March 16:00 Live on Sky

Chelsea 5/4
Draw 9/4
Arsenal 12/5

Get on: Draw