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Live Free or Pie Hard
When the wife was pregnant with little Goliath, she asked
if I’d still find her attractive when she put on weight.
“More weight,” I instinctively corrected.
It’s perfectly understandable if a lady’s weight
yo-yo’s after such a stressful event, but with the wife,
it merely yo’d. There’s no excuse for a Premiership
footballer to ‘tubby up’ in such an outlandish fashion,
so I hope there’s no truth to the rumours emanating from
Ewood Park.
It’s alleged that a number of senior pros became hooked
on pie and mash during the summer break. If the word on the
street is correct, the players were so fixated with this culinary
abomination, they stored a substantial amount of Fray Bentos
pies in the club canteen.
Mark Hughes was understandably livid when he discovered the
secret stash and immediately placed a lock on the freezer.
Robbie Savage considered the manager’s act a blatant
violation of his civil liberties and threatened to leave the
club if he wasn’t granted immediate access to the forbidden
pastries. Mark Hughes stood his ground though, and refused
to release the pie-key.
The 6/4 for Middlesbrough to open their campaign with a win
over Blackburn is as delicious a treat as anything locked
away in Sparky’s freezer of shame.
I was quite surprised when the news broke that Robert Earnshaw
had joined Derby; the little Welshman obviously misunderstood
when asked if he would like to join the Rams. Earnie can help
Derby take a point off Pompey at 9/4.
Roy Keane was a fierce competitor on the pitch: he went through
more footballers than Gemma Atkinson. He’ll need the
same fighting spirit from his team when they face a formidable
Tottenham side; I’m tucking in to the Spuds at 13/10.
Newcastle have gone down the multinational road in their
search for new signings. Big Sam has signed a Brazilian, a
Spaniard, a Cameroonian, a Czech, an Aussie, an Englishman
and a Scouser. It wouldn’t surprise me if he made a move
for the promising Russian international, Ivan Terbungoutofit.
The Premier League computer has mischievously sent Newcastle
to Bolton for their opening fixture; Big Sam has it in the
bag at 2/1.
I have a lot of faith in Andy ‘Magic’ Johnson,
even though he’s yet to master the ‘staying on his
feet’ trick. I’ll be making the 8/11 for an Everton
win over Wigan disappear.
If given the choice to play for Chelsea at Stamford Bridge
or represent a George Bush 11 in Iran, I’d probably plump
for the latter as the risk of injury diminishes significantly.
Jose must be cursed; I’m taking Birmingham at 11/2 to
snatch a shock draw.
I’m finding it hard to pick a winner in the West Ham
v Manchester City match. I asked the wife for her opinion,
but she’s also sitting on the fence. I’m now praying
for the draw at 9/4, as I need funds for a new fence.
Aston Villa supporters could not be happier with the progress
made by Randy Lerner and Martin O’Neill. The giant may
still be sleeping, but he’s being poked with a pointy
stick. Villa are overpriced at 3/1 to kick the season off
with a win over Liverpool.
Fulham fans must be devastated. Mohammed Al Fayed gave his
manager the green light to sign established internationals;
and Sanchez tucked him up on a technicality. The Cottagers
have never won away at Arsenal; the Gooners are the weekend
banker at 4/11.
I was disturbed to read that Wayne Rooney has outrageously
had his chest waxed. There’s nothing wrong with connecting
with your feminine side, but only when you’re trying
to find shelter for the little beard-hunter. There’s
nothing camp about the 1/4 for a Manchester United win over
Reading.
I just hope Ryan Giggs doesn’t follow Rooney’s
lead, as the repercussions of dwindling wax reserves could
prove catastrophic for small businesses. A little accer on
Tottenham, Aston Villa, Arsenal and Manchester United at 13/1
will offer a lifeline to those most under threat.
Weekend Betting:
Sunderland v Tottenham Saturday 11th August 12:45 Live on
Sky
Sunderland 5/2
Draw 12/5
Tottenham 13/10
Get on: Tottenham
Match Special:
Berbatov to score the only goal of the game 28/1
Bolton v Newcastle Saturday 11th August 15:00
Bolton 6/4
Draw 9/4
Newcastle 2/1
Get on: Newcastle
Match Special:
Viduka to score at any time 5/2
Derby v Portsmouth Saturday 11th August 15:00
Derby 2/1
Draw 9/4
Portsmouth 6/4
Get on: Draw
Match Special:
Earnshaw to score in a 1-1 draw 20/1
Everton v Wigan Saturday 11th August 15:00
Everton 8/11
Draw 5/2
Wigan 5/1
Get on: Everton
Match Special:
Everton to win and keep a clean sheet 9/5
Middlesbrough v Blackburn Saturday 11th August 15:00
Middlesbrough 6/4
Draw 9/4
Blackburn 2/1
Get on: Middlesbrough
Match Special:
Tuncay to score the first goal 17/2
West Ham v Man City Saturday 11th August 15:00
West Ham 6/5
Draw 9/4
Man City 3/1
Get on: Draw
Match Special:
Match to finish either 1-1 or 2-2 7/2
Aston Villa v Liverpool Saturday 11th August 17:15 Live on
Setanta
Aston Villa 3/1
Draw 23/10
Liverpool 11/10
Get on: Aston Villa
Match Special:
Carew to score with a header 6/1
Arsenal v Fulham Sunday 12th August 12:00
Arsenal 4/11
Draw 4/1
Fulham 10/1
Get on: Arsenal
Match Special:
Arsenal to score four or more goals 4/1
Chelsea v Birmingham Sunday 12th August 13:30 Live on Sky
Chelsea 2/9
Draw 11/2
Birmingham 16/1
Get on: Draw
Match Special:
Birmingham to score one goal or more 11/8
Man Utd v Reading Sunday 12th August 16:00 Live on Sky
Man Utd 1/4
Draw 9/2
Reading 14/1
Get on: Man Utd
Match Special:
Tevez and Rooney both to score 5/1
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