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This is the ode to Hel
I’ve never been particularly lucky in love. As a result
of a severe lack of confidence, I can only approach women
after a skinful of lager when the beer goggles are on. Even
Kermit would have turned his nose up at some of the pigs I’ve
tried my luck with.
I raised the bar marginally higher when I emailed Helen Chamberlain
to ask for a date, but she just blew me off.
I did find fleeting love with a diminutive woman called Dot.
But just like the unfortunate Martin Jol, I was dumped via
a text message. I’m completely over her now though; I
buried her under the patio. After extensive digging I’ve
discovered 13/8 for a Tottenham win over Middlesbrough.
Rent-a-quote WAG Cheryl Cole claimed that her ‘husband’
didn’t enjoy his final days at Arsenal as he believed
that his foreign team-mates were all ‘talking about him’.
I find it amazing that a talented footballer with a loving
wife could end up such a paranoid wreck; and Ashley Cole is
definitely a talented footballer. The 4/9 for a Chelsea win
over Wigan is convenient.
Steve Bruce is definitely feeling the pressure. The potato-headed
manger couldn’t bear to watch as Birmingham played Wigan
last week; although this is not necessarily an uncommon phenomenon
amongst the regulars of St Andrews. Everton can be backed
at 8/11 against Birmingham; that’s unusually exhilarating.
It’s no coincidence that Arsenal are producing champagne
football after dropping the bitter Lehmann. I believe the
morale-boosting team huddle is a major factor in the Gunners’
improved form, or it may just be an opportunity to talk about
Ashley Cole. Everybody should be talking about the 6/4 for
an Arsenal win over Manchester United.
Sam Allardyce will go head to head with Harry Redknapp at
St James’ Park, in a match that the gutter press are
labelling ‘Panorama II’. I’ve been investigating
the history to this fixture and I’ve discovered that
Pompey last won in Newcastle in 1949. The Toon can continue
their practical ownership at 11/10.
A member of the Royal family has allegedly been caught up
in a sex scandal. I just hope it’s not Charlie, as i
have absolutely no interest in hippophilia. One set of Royals
who won’t be going down is Reading; they’ll leave
Fulham with a point at 9/4.
Aston Villa appear to be certainties at 1/2 against a woeful
Derby County. The Villa have looked fearsome on their own
patch this season, while the Rams are conceding almost three
goals a game on the road. The only money going on Derby will
be Freddie Flintoff’s.
Phil Gartside must have had a few jars when he appointed
Gary Megson. I’m all for positive discrimination, but
this move reeks of desperation. Luckily for Bolton, West Ham
have been decimated by injuries. Bolton can sneak a fortuitous
draw at 5/2.
Like most people who enjoy a swift couple of beers, I often
struggle to undress when I’m the worse for wear. I’ve
now patented a machine that takes your shirt off for you automatically;
it’s provisionally called ‘The Carragher’.
I’m all over the 11/5 for a Blackburn win over a depleted
Liverpool.
Manchester City may have started the season impressively,
but Sven was on the receiving end of a real spanking at Chelsea
last week. To make matters even worse, his team then lost
6-0 at Stamford Bridge. I believe that result was merely a
blip; City will explode into life on bonfire night against
Sunderland at 8/13.
Being a persistent soul, I’ve decided to ask Helen Chamberlain
to accompany me to a small fireworks display. I’ve already
bought her a Catherine wheel and a rocket; I just want a banger
now. Aston Villa, Everton, Tottenham, Chelsea and Manchester
City form a 13/1 weekend accer that will more than cover the
expense.
Weekend Betting:
Arsenal v Man Utd Saturday 3rd November 12:45 Live on Sky
Arsenal 6/4
Draw 11/5
Man Utd 2/1
Get on: Arsenal
Match Special:
Fabregas to score the only goal of the game 55/1
Aston Villa v Derby Saturday 3rd November 15:00
Aston Villa 1/2
Draw 10/3
Derby 8/1
Get on: Aston Villa
Match Special:
Aston Villa to win and keep a clean sheet 13/10
Everton v Birmingham Saturday 3rd November 15:00
Everton 8/11
Draw 12/5
Birmingham 5/1
Get on: Everton
Match Special:
Yakubu to score two or more goals 13/2
Fulham v Reading Saturday 3rd November 15:00
Fulham 5/4
Draw 9/4
Reading 13/5
Get on: Draw
Match Special:
Match to finish 2-2 or 3-3 11/1
Middlesbrough v Tottenham Saturday 3rd November 15:00
Middlesbrough 15/8
Draw 23/10
Tottenham 13/8
Get on: Tottenham
Match Special:
Berbatov to score at any time 15/8
Newcastle v Portsmouth Saturday 3rd November 15:00
Newcastle 11/10
Draw 12/5
Portsmouth 13/5
Get on: Newcastle
Match Special:
Michael Owen to score the first goal 11/2
Wigan v Chelsea Saturday 3rd November 15:00
Wigan 17/2
Draw 10/3
Chelsea 4/9
Get on: Chelsea
Match Special:
Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 4/1
Blackburn v Liverpool Saturday 3rd November 17:15 Live on
Setanta
Blackburn 11/5
Draw 23/10
Liverpool 6/4
Get on: Blackburn
Match Special:
Blackburn to score two or more goals 2/1
West Ham v Bolton Sunday 4th November 16:00 Live on Sky
West Ham Evs
Draw 5/2
Bolton 7/2
Get on: Draw
Match Special:
Anelka to score in a 1-1 draw 20/1
Man City v Sunderland Monday 5th November 20:00 Live on Setanta
Man City 8/13
Draw 11/4
Sunderland 5/1
Get on: Man City
Match Special:
Elano to score direct from a free kick 7/1
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