We have to stop the Blubber Ring

Call me a non-conforming malcontent, but I wholeheartedly disagree with the concept of marriage. When at Alton Towers, I absolutely love it on the log flume, but after a few rides, I should be free to have a go on the black hole.

It's a statistical fact that if a couple of a similar age marry, the male has the shorter life expectancy. I haven't read up on the reason behind this, but my hunch would be the 'until death do us part' line in the ceremony.

There are occasionally extenuating circumstances for staying with the same partner for a significant number of years, but there aren't that many blonde, mute, orphaned, former gymnast cleaners wandering the streets.

Steven Gerrard, Michael Carrick, John Terry and Gary Neville are all making a huge rick by taking their partners up the aisle this weekend. I don't wish to scaremonger, but if my marriage is anything to go by, the bride's libido is replaced by an appetite for cake the moment the ring makes contact with the finger.

Gary Neville would love for David Beckham to show up on his big day, but Becks will be busy training for Real Madrid's title decider. Few would argue with the fact that Beckham deserves a medal; if only for his quick thinking in getting out of the Neville do. The slow-witted bint-beaten former golden boy of English football will finally get his hands on something other than Rebecca Loos; Real Madrid are absolute bankers at 2/13 at home to Mallorca.

Steven Gerrard's marriage to orange pancake-eater Alex Curran will undoubtedly be the glitziest affair. The couple originally wanted Gary Barlow to perform at the reception, but decided to go for a more upmarket feel and order a karaoke machine instead. The 11/4 for the red-hot Villarreal to snatch a point off Seville is enough to make me burst into a quality rendition of 'the size of a cow'.

I'm really enjoying the Under-21 tournament in Holland. To be honest, after five years of marriage, I'd be interested in anything under 21 stone. Portugal are the pick of the weekend punts at 2/5 against the underwhelming Israelis.

Once again, Big Brother has managed to completely hook me in. Tracey is probably the most interesting character in the series; I'm sure the mad raver would look a picture on her wedding day; as would her lovely bride. Tracey is now second favourite behind ?any other' in the outright market, but I'd rather be on Gerry at 5/1. So to speak.

I'm like any other young male who's visited London, we've all done Charley a couple of times. It's not easy to win the title of the most annoying member of the Richardson clan, but Charley has romped home practically unchallenged. The mouthy nause is an absolute certainty to be the next housemate evicted after the maladroit Shabnam.

Is Lewis Hamilton a flash in the pan or the real deal? This may well be the easiest question to answer since 'Will John Terry have a bouncer at his wedding reception.' The even money for Hamilton to take the title is shining like a doorman's eye after a meeting with Jody Morris.

Just because I'm anti-marriage, it doesn't make me a misogynist; that's purely a coincidence. Espanyol, Valencia, Real Madrid and a Seville draw form a 14/1 weekend accer that I can really commit to.