Beer Today Scone Tomorrow

Alcohol is undoubtedly cool, but it can often be abused. Earlier this week, the wife was rushed to hospital after a Buckfast frenzy. I say rushed, but the ambulance took a disgraceful 35 minutes to arrive; I’d have driven myself if it wasn’t a Champions League night. The wife is now in the ‘Soccer AM’ position, she’s relying on tubes to survive.

It’s not all been good news this week though; I’m really struggling to find a value bet in the match between Arsenal and West Ham. If a gun was placed to my head i'd suggest a win for Arsenal at 1/2. If a gun was placed to the wife's head; i'd say that I never negotiate with terrorists.

Finding a winner in the Reading v Liverpool match is a far simpler proposition. The arrival of Mascherano has added real steel to the Scouse armoury; I’m nicking the evens for a Liverpool win.

David James has had plenty of critics over the years and I’m afraid I have to once again question his decision making. The Pompey keeper is sporting the campest beard since Wayne Rooney’s little ginger effort earlier in the season. The Manchester United train to titleville is stopping off at Portsmouth; I’m boarding at 8/15.

Speaking of a little ginger effort, I’ve seen worse investments than the 3/1 for Paul Scholes finding the net at any time. Sir Alex believes that the refreshed day-sleeper holds the key to United winning the title; I refuse to argue with the vastly experienced Sweaty.

Newcastle United should take a leaf out of Wayne Rooney’s book; the Geordies can’t buy a result at the minute. The Toon Army are winless and goalless in their last four league matches; Sheffield United can snatch a draw at a game 23/10.

Life has been far from a picnic for Frank Lampard in recent weeks. The Chelsea goal machine has been attacked by a crazed supporter and dropped by England after fracturing a bone in his wrist. Now to add insult to injury, he looks a little bit like Eric Cartman. Chelsea are 4/9 to beat Tottenham, sweet.

Big Frank was understandably devastated with the news that Arjen Robben will miss the rest of the season through injury. Superman has Lois Lane, Spiderman looks to Aunt May and Fatman needs Robben. Drogba can open the scoring at a heroic 4/1.

Earlier this season, the Boro were a lot like me when I was an altar boy; they found themselves in all sorts of trouble at the Vicarage. Watford cruised to a 2-0 win on home territory; Boro can gain revenge at 8/11.

Emile Mpenza deserves plenty of credit. The Belgian striker has not only saved the Psycho from the sack; he’s also made us all realise that you can be a quality footballer and still be named ‘Emile’. I’m making a meal of the 9/4 for a draw between City and the improving Charlton.

Chris Coleman was shocked to discover that his wife had planted a listening device in his motor. The Fulham manager has it easy; my wife has been bugging me for six years. Everton can pick up the points against the Cottagers at 8/11.

Robbie Savage’s ongoing recovery from a broken leg has pleased the Blackburn board. The fact that the blonde bombshell is nearing a return is secondary; they just want the caravan removed from the car park. Aston Villa will leave Ewood Park with a point at an immovable 9/4.

The wife is the most positive person I know; she says ‘yes’ more than the man from Del Monte. Is Wigan v Bolton a stick on draw at 9/4? I too must answer in the affirmative.

I rarely stray away from the beautiful game, but a couple of excellent betting opportunities have presented themselves further afield. Joe Calzaghe will annihilate Peter Manfredo in the boxing and the beefy Cambridge crew will see off the lightweight Oxford in the rowing. The 8/13 double reminds me of the wife; it’s a slapper with a dodgy boat race.

Middlesbrough, Liverpool, Man Utd and a Blackburn draw form a 15/1 weekend accer that is so angelic, it’s made me realise how much I’d miss the wife if she failed to recover. She does make a cracking scone.


Weekend Betting:


Man City v Charlton Friday 6th April 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Man City 11/10
Draw 9/4
Charlton 13/5

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Joey Barton to be booked 7/4

Everton v Fulham Friday 6th April 19:30 Live on Sky

Everton 8/11
Draw 5/2
Fulham 9/2

Get on: Everton

Match Special:
Arteta to score at any time 4/1

Chelsea v Tottenham Saturday 7th April 12:45 Live on Premiership Plus

Chelsea 4/9
Draw 10/3
Tottenham 7/1

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Chelsea to win by two or more goals 13/10

Arsenal v West Ham Saturday 7th April 15:00

Arsenal 1/2
Draw 10/3
West Ham 7/1

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Adebayor to score the first goal 9/2

Blackburn v Aston Villa Saturday 7th April 15:00

Blackburn 11/10
Draw 9/4
Aston Villa 3/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Carew to score in a 1-1 draw 23/1

Middlesbrough v Watford Saturday 7th April 15:00

Middlesbrough 8/11
Draw 13/5
Watford 9/2

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:
Yakubu and Viduka both to score 5/1

Reading v Liverpool Saturday 7th April 15:00

Reading 14/5
Draw 12/5
Liverpool Evs

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:
Crouch to score two or more goals 13/2

Sheff Utd v Newcastle Saturday 7th April 15:00

Sheff Utd 7/5
Draw 23/10
Newcastle 21/10

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
No goalscorer in the match 17/2

Wigan v Bolton Saturday 7th April 15:00

Wigan 8/5
Draw 9/4
Bolton 19/10

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Match to finish either 0-0 or 1-1 11/4

Portsmouth v Man Utd Saturday 7th April 17:15 Live on Sky

Portsmouth 6/1
Draw 3/1
Man Utd 8/15

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Paul Scholes to score with a header 13/2