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The bra has been raised
There are two things in life that I’ll never really
understand; bigamy, and the mechanics of a bra. The wife finds
my ineptness hilarious, she was rolling on the floor last
night as I struggled with a multitude of hooks; I should really
have passed her the valium.
For me, that was the least amusing moment of my life, and
I’ve met Tim Lovejoy.
Whenever I feel depressed, I find the quotes of Ian Holloway
are always therapeutic. The great man has been responsible
for more quality lines than Pete Doherty.
The Plymouth manager’s mirth masks an underlying intelligence,
like a beauty queen dying her hair ginger to fend off an unwanted
suitor. I refuse to underestimate the modern day Socrates;
I’m piling into Plymouth at 17/10 to knock out Watford.
The last time Middlesbrough met Manchester United, Gareth
Southgate was quick to condemn Ronaldo’s propensity to
greet the turf like a long lost relative.
Sir Alex was equally unequivocal in his counter, labelling
the novice manager ‘naïve’, which as far as
i’m aware, is not even a real word. There are an abundance
of words that adequately sum up the 3/4 for another Manchester
United win, I’ve settled for ‘pulchritudinous’.
It would not surprise me in the slightest if the contentious
Ronaldo opened the scoring at 7/1. The orange winger is currently
so hot; it would take a whole tub of Canesten to cool him
down.
Chelsea’s grip on the Premiership has been loosened
by the often maligned John O’Shea. Frank Lampard found
it particularly ironic, as most of his goals have been assisted
by John’s lesser known brother, Rick.
I’ve had a pop at Lamps in the past, but I must praise
him for defending Adebayor in the aftermath of the Carling
Cup. I’m not sure I believe his claim that he was never
smacked; something must have given him the munchies. I’ll
be taking the family out for a slap-up meal if Chelsea beat
Tottenham at 4/9; they can even ‘go large’.
Jose Mourinho should steer clear of the card tables. The
Special One looked completely bewildered as Shevchenko missed
another sitter last week; the only way the Chelsea manager
would ever win at poker is if he played the West Ham lads.
A bet on Lampard to net the opener at 13/2 is the equivalent
of getting your hands on a big pair.
Blackburn host Manchester City in a tie that has ‘home
win’ written all over it. The Rovers have already hammered
Psycho’s gang twice this season; the odds of 19/20 would
need to be lying seductively on a couch wearing a Velcro brassiere
to be any more appealing.
Manchester City’s strike-force is so lightweight, wafer-thin
model Kate Moss would be a clear favourite if they were ever
to meet in a ruck. Blackburn are 6/5 to keep a clean sheet,
dig in.
I’m often asked why I appear reluctant to share my expertise
on the Scottish football scene. I can assure you it’s
not a result of xenophobia; some of my best friends know Scottish
people.
Celtic are on a six match unbeaten run against Rangers; they
look a cracking investment at 21/20 to continue their recent
outright ownership. There’s a real lesson to be learned
here, money earned from an FA Cup match is equal to money
gained from park football.
The weekend accer is so inspiring; it makes me believe that
one day all men will be free from discrimination, injustice
and persecution for trying to lift a bra over a lady’s
head. Chelsea, Blackburn, Plymouth and Celtic are the selections,
the payout is an ample 12/1.
Weekend Betting:
Middlesbrough v Man Utd Saturday 10th March 17:30 Live on
BBC
Middlesbrough 5/1
Draw 13/5
Man Utd 3/4
Get on: Man Utd
Match Special:
Ronaldo to score with a header 8/1
Chelsea v Tottenham Sunday 11th March 12:45 Live on BBC One
Chelsea 4/9
Draw 3/1
Tottenham 7/1
Get on: Chelsea
Match Special:
Lampard to score from outside the penalty area 4/1
Blackburn v Man City Sunday 11th March 16:00 Live on Sky
Blackburn 19/20
Draw 23/10
Man City 10/3
Get on: Blackburn
Match Special:
Blackburn to win and keep a clean sheet 2/1
Plymouth v Watford Sunday 11th March 18:00 Live on BBC One
Plymouth 17/10
Draw 23/10
Watford 8/5
Get on: Plymouth
Match Special:
Plymouth to score three or more goals 11/2
Celtic v Rangers Sunday 11th March 12:30 Live on Setanta
Celtic 21/20
Draw 23/10
Rangers 10/3
Get on: Celtic
Match Special:
Nakamura to score direct from a free kick 8/1
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