The fruit is on the other foot

I like to think of myself as a chilled individual. Admittedly, I’m not as laid back as the wife, but that’s a result of her lifestyle.

Being cool, calm and occasionally collected, I’ve been stunned by the overreaction to the minor disagreement during the Carling Cup final. The term ‘handbags’ is an outrageous exaggeration; the wife throws more punches on a Sunday afternoon when I try to dislodge her from the mattress.

The sending off of Adebayor was particularly perplexing. Emmanuel appeared innocent, yet was punished severely; which coincidentally was the plot of the DVD i watched after the match. I’m getting stuck into the 8/15 for an Arsenal win over Reading.

I’m beginning to worry about the wife’s sister. Her infatuation with me is almost certainly a result of deeply rooted psychological problems brought on by low self-esteem. Sweet. I’m not passing up the chance to get on Wigan at 3/1 to beat Manchester City.

The Beatles may have told the world that ‘money can’t but you love’; but Wayne Rooney found the flaw in that romantic fallacy. The word on the street is that Wayne is set to marry Coleen, and the street people are certainly in the loop. I’m romantically involved with the 7/4 about Liverpool denting Manchester United’s title charge.

We all have our little quirks, except for Birds of a Feather. The wife’s sister has a foot fetish; I originally thought she was just pulling my leg. I’m dipping my toes into the 9/4 for a draw between Fulham and Aston Villa.

Unlike the wife’s sister, Middlesbrough have only tasted defeat on one occasion this year. You must back the Boro at 11/4 to win at Newcastle; i’m putting my foot down.

Andy Johnson is never far from a ‘diving’ controversy. The miniature hitman had the finger pointed at him again last week, which was more than enough for him to tumble to the ground. Sheffield United can take a point off the Toffeemen at an unsteady 9/4.

Frank Lampard should feel ashamed of himself for squaring up to little Cesc Fabregas. Lamps could have picked on someone his own size; but in all fairness, Pauline Quirke was rehearsing for a musical. Chelsea can turn over Pompey at a mammoth 3/5.

The last five matches between Bolton and Blackburn have either been goalless or settled by a single strike; this is a genuine clash of the tight-uns. I’m jumping on the 17/2 for ‘no goalscorer’ like it was a Russian tennis player. Preferably not Davydenko.

There’s an air of impending doom surrounding Alan Curbishley and West Ham. They say it’s never over until the lady of a fuller figure breaks into song; ‘Birds of a Feather, the musical’ opens on Sunday evening. Spurs can hammer another nail into the Curb’s coffin at 13/10.

The wife’s mother has asked to proofread my weekly betting preview to ensure that I’m not making any cheap digs at her expense. No matter how much she pleads; she’s not getting her hands on my column. Charlton can keep their survival dreams alive with a win at the Vicarage at 9/5.

Frank Lampard is not happy with this week’s accumulator. Apparently, it’s so mouthwatering; he’s struggling to concentrate on the upcoming ruck with Pauline Quirke. Last week’s accer obliged at 25/1; Arsenal, Charlton, Chelsea and Tottenham will follow suit at a beefy 15/1.

Weekend Betting:

Liverpool v Man Utd Saturday 3rd March 12:45 Live on Sky

Liverpool 7/4

Draw 9/4

Man Utd 7/4

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:

Wayne Rooney to be sent off 25/1

Arsenal v Reading Saturday 3rd March 15:00

Arsenal 8/15

Draw 10/3

Reading 13/2

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:

Arsenal to win from behind 13/2

Fulham v Aston Villa Saturday 3rd March 15:00

Fulham 11/8

Draw 9/4

Aston Villa 21/10

Get on: Draw

Match Special:

Carew to score in a 1-1 draw 16/1

Man City v Wigan Saturday 3rd March 15:00

Man City Evs

Draw 12/5

Wigan 3/1

Get on: Wigan

Match Special:

Camara to score the only goal of the game 50/1

Newcastle v Middlesbrough Saturday 3rd March 15:00

Newcastle 6/5

Draw 9/4

Middlesbrough 11/4

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:

Woodgate to score with a header 20/1

Sheff Utd v Everton Saturday 3rd March 15:00

Sheff Utd 17/10

Draw 9/4

Everton 17/10

Get on: Draw

Match Special:

Match to finish either 0-0 or 1-1 11/4

Watford v Charlton Saturday 3rd March 15:00

Watford 13/8

Draw 9/4

Charlton 9/5

Get on: Charlton

Match Special:

Darren Bent to score the first goal 6/1

Portsmouth v Chelsea Saturday 3rd March 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Portsmouth 5/1

Draw 11/4

Chelsea 3/5

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:

Drogba and Shevchenko both to score 5/1

Bolton v Blackburn Sunday 4th March 13:35 Live on Sky

Bolton Evs

Draw 9/4

Blackburn 3/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:

Blackburn to have a player sent off 11/2

West Ham v Tottenham Sunday 4th March 16:00 Live on Sky

West Ham 11/5

Draw 23/10

Tottenham 13/10

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:

Tottenham to score three or more goals 4/1