I’m a celebrity, get me oat

I’m certainly not an intellectual; the last book I read in its entirety was ‘Little Women’, I found it short and dull. I do try to keep abreast of developments in the world of science though, and an article on ‘chaos theory’ recently caught my attention.

Apparently, if a butterfly flaps its wings, the ripple effect can trigger a hurricane on the other side of the world. What will happen if Frank Lampard and Wayne Rooney challenge for a header on Sunday? If they land simultaneously, the England cricket team could be in grave danger.

While that may be a bone of contention amongst the nerds; all mathematicians agree that Man U are worthy favourites to extend their lead over Chelsea at Old Trafford. I suggest a punt on United at a novel 13/8.

Here’s a phrase you don’t see every day; you’ve got to fancy Wayne Rooney. At odds of 13/2 to net the opener, he’s the big player for the big occasion.

I was quite taken aback when a reporter asked for my opinion on Les Reed, I said it’s enjoyable, but I prefer to watch it on DVD. I fancy Everton to leave the Valley with three points at an excitable 13/8.

Andy Johnson is not a winger; his favoured position is undoubtedly sprawled in the penalty area after minimal contact. I’m falling over myself to back AJ to open the scoring at 11/2.

David James was up to his old tricks last week; he flapped at a cross like a cornered vampire. Pompey have already lost 3-0 at St James’ Park in the Carling Cup this season; another calamity awaits at 13/10.

Liverpool and Manchester City share a trait with female drivers, they’re all useless on the road. The Pool are the weekend banker at 4/9.

A couple of Reading players have received death threats in the post, I should learn to spend my time more productively. Fulham can dethrone the Royals at a red-blooded 6/5.

Incredibly, there hasn’t been a goal scored in the first 40 minutes of any match played at the Cottage this season. Trend followers will be on HT draw, FT Fulham at 9/2; ‘law of averages’ supporters will be on HT Fulham, FT Fulham at 11/4 and Americans will be at Burger King questioning why they voted for Bush.

It’s not been a good week for Paddy Kenny. A night out took a turn for the worse when Kenny’s pal quipped that he’d been stirring Paddy’s porridge. An ensuing ruck led to the Sheffield United goalkeeper losing an eyebrow. Unlike Paddy, I can raise both eyebrows at the generous 5/6 on offer for a West Ham win.

I’m embarrassed to say that I was once injured while eating a doner kebab. I blame the parents; if you can’t spell ‘Donna’ correctly, you shouldn’t be bringing up kids. Spurs should be backed at a spicy 10/11 to see off Wigan.

Paddy and I are not alone in receiving ‘unfortunate’ injuries. Dave Beasant was once ko’d by a bottle of salad cream, Kevin Kyle scolded his testicles with boiling water and Freddie Ljungberg was recently sidelined by a piece of cheese. Freddie’s now back to full fitness, he can ensure that Arsenal leave the Reebok with a point at 23/10.

The last time Villa faced Middlesbrough, Lee Cattermole was in tears as the Villa cruised to a 4-0 win. If you miss out on the Villa at a colossal 5/6, you’ll be crying like Robbie Savage when he lost a caravan in the great tornado of 2005; possibly caused by Shane Warne celebrating a wicket in Perth.

This week’s accer bites the eyebrow of uncertainty and pats the bald head of chaos. Aston Villa, Liverpool, West Ham, Newcastle and Tottenham are the irrefutable selections, the payout is an unyielding 18/1.


Weekend Betting:

Charlton v Everton Saturday 25th November 12:45 Live on Premiership Plus

Charlton 9/5
Draw 9/4
Everton 13/8

Get on: Everton

Match Special:
Everton to score a penalty 6/1

Aston Villa v Middlesbrough Saturday 25th November 15:00

Aston Villa 5/6
Draw 23/10
Middlesbrough 4/1

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Boateng to be booked 7/4

Fulham v Reading Saturday 25th November 15:00

Fulham 6/5
Draw 9/4
Reading 23/10

Get on: Fulham

Match Special:
Bouba Diop to score at any time 6/1

Liverpool v Man City Saturday 25th November 15:00

Liverpool 4/9
Draw 3/1
Man City 15/2

Get on: Liverpool

Match Special:
Kuyt to score two or more goals 5/1

West Ham v Sheff Utd Saturday 25th November 15:00

West Ham 5/6
Draw 12/5
Sheff Utd 4/1

Get on: West Ham

Match Special:
West Ham to win and keep a clean sheet 19/10

Bolton v Arsenal Saturday 25th November 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Bolton 11/4
Draw 23/10
Arsenal 11/10

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Match to finish 1-1 11/2

Newcastle v Portsmouth Sunday 26th November 13:30 Live on Sky

Newcastle 13/10
Draw 9/4
Portsmouth 23/10

Get on: Newcastle

Match Special:
Dyer to score the first goal 8/1

Tottenham v Wigan Sunday 26th November 15:00

Tottenham 10/11
Draw 12/5
Wigan 4/1

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Malbranque to score at any time 4/1

Man Utd v Chelsea Sunday 26th November 16:00 Live on Sky

Man Utd 13/8
Draw 11/5
Chelsea 2/1

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Rooney to score the only goal of the game 33/1