Balloon out of all proportion

Normally, i have little to no time for politicians; but when plans were afoot to open a massage parlour in my neighbourhood, I felt obliged to write to my local MP, demanding that action be taken to keep prices at an affordable level.

Flushed with this successful foray into the political arena, I’ve decided to help out Jack Straw in the aftermath of the veil wearing controversy. I’ve suggested that the Government introduce new legislation making it compulsory for all British females to cover up, until a recent photograph has been graded by a select group of professionals. It works on almost every level.

While that solution was relatively simple, the conundrum that is Man U v Liverpool is proving far more perplexing. After studying the stats, the value lies with United at 10/11.

I can predict with relative confidence that this will not be a goalfest. The last four matches between the old foes have either been goalless or settled by a single strike. In Merseyside, a 1-0 win for Man U would be about as welcome as Boris Johnson, but the smart money is in play at 6/1.

I’ve given young Rooney a fair bit of stick this season, but recent form suggests he’s approaching his stunning best. Admittedly, he’s still not scoring, but there’s no doubting his greatness. Rooney is available at a big fat 28/1 to score the only goal of the game.

Fulham last won away at Aston Villa in March 1973, 8½ months before I was born. Somewhat worryingly, my old dear was a Villa Park regular in the 70’s, and she was never shy in putting herself about. It’s entirely possible that I could be the apple of an ex Fulham player’s eye, I’m just praying it’s not Rodney Marsh. The unbeaten Villa will extend Fulham’s dismal run in the Midlands, you should play at a promiscuous 8/11.

I have a theory that Steve McClaren may be hard of hearing. He’s completely oblivious to Gareth Barry’s incessant knocking on the England door and just the sight of the inept manager is enough for me to break into sign language. Barry looks a great shout at 9/2 to score at any time.

Chelsea have won every Premiership fixture against Portsmouth (six in total) by a 2-0 or 3-0 scoreline. Is this a statistical anomaly or a trend that will lead to a mountain of riches? I’m hoping for the latter. You must cover either of these scores for a potential payout of 5/2; it’s not erm…rocket science.

Frank Lampard has been nominated for the Ballon d’or; now I’m not bilingual, so I’m guessing the translation is something like ‘Balloon Man’. It’s said that Frank Lampard never misses training; he would if they renamed it ‘the goal’. Lampard may have found the net in both of last season’s meets with Pompey; but Drogba is a far more likely candidate to net the opener at 7/2.

As a consequence of a horrific collision with Petr Cech, the name of Stephen Hunt has been immortalised in Cockney rhyming slang. As Reading have lost every competitive match they have played against Arsenal, i’ll be having a ‘Stevie’ (punt) on the Gunners at 8/13.

I backed Robbie Savage to score at any time last week, so you can imagine my disappointment as he passed to a team-mate when in goal scoring range; I just wish he’d have shot himself. An in form Blackburn host a quality Bolton side, the draw looks a reasonable investment at 11/5.

Spurs needed the touch of an Angel to earn a point last week; heavenly intervention will not be necessary against West Ham. Martin Jol has finally realised that Jermain Defoe is worth a place in his starting line-up, the miniature former Hammer can be the catalyst for a Tottenham win at 4/5.

Newcastle are unbeaten in their last six matches against Middlesbrough, but as Steve McClaren was the manager for all of those games, that achievement is somewhat diminished. Boro can finally call the Toon at the Riverside at a pretty 6/4.

I’m not particularly skilled in the bedroom, but I’m pretty good at table tennis. Everton are a top notch bet at 4/7 to see off Sheffield United at Goodison, it might not be nap bet territory, but it’s definitely a close neighbour.

The acc:

The accer this week is so explosive, North Korean midget Kim Jong-il has expressed an interest.
Everton, Aston Villa, Man Utd, Middlesbrough and Tottenham are the five selections, the payout is a magnificent 22/1.

The specials:

“A tasty Red head” - Paul Scholes to score with a header 7/1
“Purple Wayne” - Wayne Rooney to be sent off 16/1
“The Huth is out there” - Robert Huth to score at any time 6/1
“And bags” - Andy Johnson to score two or more goals 4/1
“Juan sighs, Fitz Hall” - Aston Villa to be awarded a penalty and Fitz Hall to score at any time 50/1
“There's a bad moon on the rise” - Joey Barton to score with a header 10/1

The lay man:

There’s a queue of people trying to back Charlton at a smidgen above evens on the betting exchanges; they obviously haven’t seen them play this season. Lay, lay again; then lay a little bit more.

Weekend Betting:

Wigan v Man City Saturday 21st October 12:45 Live on Premiership Plus

Wigan 11/8
Draw 9/4
Man City 21/10

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Joey Barton to be booked 2/1

Charlton v Watford Saturday 21st October 15:00

Charlton Evs
Draw 9/4
Watford 3/1

Get on: Watford

Match Special:
Marlon King to score the only goal of the game 55/1

Chelsea v Portsmouth Saturday 21st October 15:00

Chelsea 2/7
Draw 4/1
Portsmouth 11/1

Get on: Chelsea

Match Special:
Drogba to score from outside the area 4/1

Everton v Sheff Utd Saturday 21st October 15:00

Everton 4/7
Draw 13/5
Sheff Utd 11/2

Get on: Everton

Match Special:
Everton to win 1-0 6/1

Aston Villa v Fulham Saturday 21st October 17:15 Live on Premiership Plus

Aston Villa 8/11
Draw 5/2
Fulham 4/1

Get on: Aston Villa

Match Special:
Agbonlahor to score at any time 5/2

Man Utd v Liverpool Sunday 22nd October 13:00 Live on Sky

Man Utd 10/11
Draw 9/4
Liverpool 10/3

Get on: Man Utd

Match Special:
Steven Gerrard to be sent off 25/1

Blackburn v Bolton Sunday 22nd October 15:00

Blackburn 11/8
Draw 11/5
Bolton 2/1

Get on: Draw

Match Special:
Robbie Savage to be booked 13/8

Middlesbrough v Newcastle Sunday 22nd October 15:00

Middlesbrough 6/4
Draw 9/4
Newcastle 12/5

Get on: Middlesbrough

Match Special:
Middlesbrough to win and keep a clean sheet 14/5

Tottenham v West Ham Sunday 22nd October 15:00

Tottenham 4/5
Draw 5/2
West Ham 4/1

Get on: Tottenham

Match Special:
Jermain Defoe to score two or more goals 5/1

Reading v Arsenal Sunday 22nd October 16:00 Live on Sky

Reading 5/1
Draw 11/4
Arsenal 8/13

Get on: Arsenal

Match Special:
Arsenal to score four or more goals 11/2