The Moody Blues

As a child, I quickly came to terms with the concept of a caterpillar evolving into a butterfly. As an adult, I accepted the wife’s monthly tendency to turn into a raging psychopath, before reverting back to the more placid psychopath she would normally be. As a betting genius, I find Everton’s transformation from Champions League participants into Sunday League cloggers more difficult to comprehend.

What are the reasons behind their demise?

Two seasons ago, Everton finished 17th in the league, one spot off relegation. At the start of last season, instead of strengthening a poor team, they sold their best/plumpest player. Three consecutive 1-0 wins early in the season gave them an air of confidence, which coupled with a statistical anomaly not seen since I bet on red at roulette and black came out 37 times, landed the Evertonians a 4th place finish. To sum up, Everton are not in demise, they’re still the same poor team they were two seasons ago. Get on Tottenham at 4/7.

Next week, I solve the Middle East crisis.

Thomas Sorensen is a capable goalkeeper, but he suffers from ‘footballing anorexia’, he freezes when he sees Emile. The Villa keeper handed the bragging rights to Birmingham in both matches last season, but the luck is about to run out for the Blues.

Birmingham are conceding two goals a game on their own patch and have had a player sent off in their last three league matches. Barring a goalkeeping error, the Villa are a cracking bet at 7/4.

While watching England beat the Poles in a local tavern, I heard a drunken young man sing the following, “If Crouch can play for England so can I.” You’d think Phil Neville would spend his time more productively.

It’s now 10 games without a goal for Peter Crouch and Liverpool are 13th in the table as a result. With the Reds finding goals hard to come by, back Blackburn to snatch a draw at 12/5.

Sunderland v Man U would have been the game of the week if Roy Keane wasn’t out injured, although I hold out hope that Keano will offer Mick McCarthy tactical advise from the stand. The Mackems are on a four match unbeaten run in all competitions, but with Van Nistelrooy and Rooney in great form, United are the bet at 4/9.

Nothing lasts forever, with the possible exception of a conversation about cushions between the wife and her mother. Chelsea’s 100% record in the league has been a fantastic effort, but Bolton are a great bet to put an end to their domination.

Big Sam has avoided defeat at the Bridge for the last two seasons, and Bolton have won six of their last eight matches in all competitions. All good things must come to an end, back Bolton to win or draw at 3/1.

The following paired Goalscorer specials are all available at Super Soccer.

“Ham, Berger” – Dietmar Hamann and Patrik Berger both to score 33/1

“Chubby, Brown” – Wayne Rooney and Michael Brown both to score 10/1

“Bent, double” – Darren Bent and Marcus Bent both to score 13/2

“Horses, Four Courses” – Van Nistelrooy and Wayne Rooney both to score 3/1

“Sun, Bern” – Sun Jihai and Olivier Bernard both to score 66/1

“My big fat Greek wedding” – Wayne Rooney and Stelios both to score 12/1

“Chris, Musampa” – Chris Sutton and Kiki Musampa both to score 12/1

Conspiracy theory of the week:

Why would Liverpool pay £7 million for Peter Crouch? Could the following have taken place?

Rupert Lowe, “Harry, now that we’re relegated, sell that lanky Crouch, and try to recoup the £2 million we paid the Villa.

Harry Redknapp, “Rafa, i’m flogging Crouchy, he can’t head the ball, but he’s got two great feet, he’s yours for a million a foot.

Rafa Benitez, “O.K. here’s a cheque for £7 million.

Quote of the week:

“He’s been refereeing for years and has done a good job.”

Wayne Rooney applauds Kim Milton Nielson.

Most annoying sentence of the week:

Let’s join our commentators, John Motson and Graeme Le Saux.

Stat, you’re a liberty:

There’s only one team in the Premiership that have kept all opposing forwards off the scoresheet in the league this season; it’s West Ham.

Acc of the week:

Man Utd

Tottenham

Arsenal

West Ham

Charlton

The five-fold will pay over 20/1 when successful.

Weekend Betting:

Wigan v Newcastle Saturday 15th October 12.45 Live on Premiership Plus

Wigan 8/5

Draw 11/5

Newcastle 7/5

Get on: Draw

It’s three wins on the bounce for Wigan and they are yet to concede two goals in a game. With Michael back for the Geordies, a draw is on the cards.

Match Special:

Match to finish 1-1 11/2

Chelsea v Bolton Saturday 15th October 15.00

Chelsea 1/5

Draw 9/2

Bolton 9/1

Get on: Draw

Bolton have reaped an impressive four points from their last two visits to the Bridge, at 1/5 for Chelsea, I’d rather be a layer than a player.

Match Special:

One goal or less in the game 11/5

Liverpool v Blackburn Saturday 15th October 15.00

Liverpool 8/15

Draw 12/5

Blackburn 5/1

Get on: Draw

Liverpool are on a four match run in the league without a win, another draw is the only option.

Match Special:

Kuqi to score at any time 5/2

Sunderland v Man Utd Saturday 15th October 15.00

Sunderland 11/2

Draw 11/4

Man Utd 4/9

Get on: Man Utd

70% of United’s goals have been scored away from home this season; the omens are not good for the Mackems.

Match Special:

Man Utd to score four or more goals 5/1

Tottenham v Everton Saturday 15th October 15.00

Tottenham 4/7

Draw 12/5

Everton 9/2

Get on: Tottenham

Everton have never won at Spurs in the Premiership, even when they had a good team; home banker.

Match Special:

Tottenham to score in both halves 6/4

West Brom v Arsenal Saturday 15th October 15.00

West Brom 11/2

Draw 11/4

Arsenal 4/9

Get on: Arsenal

The Albion are currently woeful, the Gunners could run riot.

Match Special:

Arsenal to score four or more goals 5/1

Middlesbrough v Portsmouth Saturday 15th October 17.15 Live on Sky

Middlesbrough 8/11

Draw 11/5

Portsmouth 7/2

Get on: Middlesbrough

The Boro are a punters nightmare, their last two matches at home in the league have seen a win against Arsenal, followed by a defeat to Sunderland. A tentative home win.

Match Special:

Yakubu to score the first goal 4/1

Birmingham v Aston Villa Sunday 16th October 12.00

Birmingham 11/8

Draw 2/1

Aston Villa 7/4

Get on: Aston Villa

City can’t win at home, Villa are playing better than their results would indicate; away win.

Match Special:

Sorensen to keep a clean sheet 9/5

Man City v West Ham Sunday 16th October 16.00 Live on Sky

Man City 5/6

Draw 9/4

West Ham 11/4

Get on: West Ham

Man City’s recent win over Everton was their first victory in 5 games. The Hammers have a pearl in Benayoun, 11/4 looks tasty.

Match Special:

Benayoun to score the first goal 12/1

Charlton v Fulham Monday 17th October 20.00 Live on Sky

Charlton 8/11

Draw 9/4

Fulham 10/3

Get on: Charlton

Charlton’s only defeats this season have been at home to other London clubs, Fulham aren’t Tottenham or Chelsea.

Match Special:

Darren Bent to score two or more goals 9/2